November 8, 2011
Doing it Right
Toward the end of my mom’s life, I often found her looking around her room with a puzzled look on her face, “What am I supposed to be doing?” she would ask. Very gently I replied, “Whatever you want to do, Mom. Whatever makes you happy.”
The last couple of months I’ve started to feel that way—like there’s something I’m supposed to be doing. Oh, I stay busy. It’s not that! My list of chores is long and growing. But often there is a nagging sense that “something important” is not getting done. Or worse, that I’m not doing it right, “it” being nothing less than Life itself. What if I’m getting Life all wrong?
With that question fresh in my awareness, I can hear my father’s stern words: “If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all!” I was probably rushing through the dishes and stacking dirty plates in the drainer. No doubt, he had a legitimate complaint. But something in my immature, developing psyche grabbed onto that commandment and generalized it. The original context has been lost, and the meaning has been distorted over the decades. It’s ended up more like: “If you can’t be perfect, quit! Better still, run and hide!” With thoughts like that lurking in the darkness it’s no wonder I sometimes hesitate, withdraw, and wrap myself in a blanket of uncertainty.
Recently I tried to find a new ending to my father’s decree. If you can’t do it right … what? Forgive and move on? Try again? Love myself anyway? None of the new endings packed much of a punch for me. It was my coach who encouraged me to take a closer look at the first part of that lingering rule: If you can’t do it right… .
“What is right?” she asked. “Who does the ‘right’ belong to? Who decides what’s best for you? Who is responsible for your happiness? Your satisfaction? Your fulfillment? Your peace? Your joy?”
Ummmm … that would be me!
The search for “right” just got a lot less daunting. No need to explore to the ends of the earth when “the answers are within.”
When I become still and go inside, the questions are clear:
Who or what am I blaming for my discontent?
What is my excuse for not feeling joy in this moment?
As I reclaim power over my own thoughts, words, and actions, I lift up my plea of uncertainty to the Universe: “Please show me! What am I supposed to be doing?”
From deep within my heart, I hear the gentle reply, “Whatever you want to do, my dear. Whatever feeds your soul. Whatever brings you joy.”
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August 3, 2011
Untangling the Leash
I was out with my husband this morning walking our son’s young dog, a medium-sized Lab mix with an enviable supply of energy. In her eager pursuit of promising scents, she ended up on one side of a mailbox post, while I was on the other. As I approached, she wrapped herself around the post and strained against the leash.
“What you resist, persists,” I said to the dog for my husband’s amusement.
As I tried to untangle her, she wrapped herself once more around the post and continued to pull with all her might, coughing and choking herself in the process.
I reached down and stroked her gently. “It’s okay,” I comforted. “You need to walk into the pain! Resisting like this will only make it worse.”
My husband laughed out loud, “You never stop coaching, do you?”
He’s right. It seems there are lessons everywhere these days. And while it was useless to coach the dog with words, it was necessary to get her to stop resisting and allow me to help her get untangled.
I suppose that’s often my role as a life coach. When clients come with problems that are choking the life out of them, I suggest that the first step is to simply be still, to stop fighting so hard, and to step outside the struggle to see what’s really going on. What a relief it is when we’re able to stop straining against reality with the thought, “This shouldn’t be happening!”
When we are willing to simply accept what is, without judgment, we can catch our breath and allow the panic to subside. From that place of willingness, new possibilities can emerge.
A little over a month ago, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Talk about resistance! This shouldn’t be happening to us!
I was wrapped around the problem, resisting with every fiber of my being, and choking myself with panic.
Together we researched options, and he went for additional tests. While we waited over a week for the results, I had time to observe what was happening inside of me. During my morning meditation, I heard, “Love your enemies.”
Isn’t that just about people? I thought. I can’t be expected to love the cancer, can I?
As I delved deeper, I realized it wasn’t the cancer I hated, it was the scared part of me who didn’t want to think about a life without her beloved. She was screaming, “I can’t deal with this! I’ll shut down! I’ll die without him!” That part of me is so weak and fearful. She whines and cries and fills me with sadness. She sucks my energy and leaves me confused.
I pull away from her. I make her wrong. I hate her!
“What you resist, persists.”
“Walk into your pain.”
“Love your enemies.”
It is the enemy within I need to love.
As I think about my reaction to my son’s panicked dog, I remember my reassuring pat on her head and the way I methodically untangled her leash.
Can I find compassion, forgiveness, and love for the weak, frightened “enemy within”? I think so. I am willing.
Even now as I write these words, I can feel myself moving into a place of acceptance. It is a place where I can breathe more easily, a place where I have faith that a higher power will be there to help me untangle my leash.
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April 18, 2011
I’m Not Sure How To Do That
Last Friday I received official notification that I had fulfilled the requirements of the Ford Institute’s Future-Focused Leadership Training Program. My new designation: “Integrative Leader.”
I learned a lot about leadership and about myself these past several months. One of the most valuable insights was how often excuses disguise themselves as reasons. I came face to face with just how often my progress has been delayed by the reasons: “I’m not sure how to do that” or “I’ve never done that before.” Just because a statement is true doesn’t mean it isn’t an excuse.
For most of my adult life, people have been telling me I should write a book. I’ve heard it so often, that it started making me uncomfortable. “I know,” I would say, “But I’m just not sure where to begin” or “I don’t know what to write about” or “I don’t have a clue how to do that.” And just to be clear on this: Even Master Coaches can be in denial about their excuses.
But completing leadership training has allowed me to rise to a new level of accountability. It’s time to step out of denial and declare my intentions. Whether I know what I’m doing or not, whether I’ve ever done it before or not: I’m writing a book. I started on March 13. In addition to writing, I’m also reading. Thank you, Matt Farmer, for giving me the book On Writing by Stephen King. It was just the inspirational instruction I needed to begin the process.
In one short month my writing journey has called me to explore many unexpected paths. I have unearthed hidden memories, cried a few times, and more recently encountered a younger version of myself who seems to have a gift for me. And that’s all I’m going to say right now about my book.
Take a look around your life. Is the excuse “I’m not sure how to do that!” showing up anywhere? If it is, consider this: Where would you be today if you had used that excuse when you were learning how to walk?
Toward the end of my mom’s life, I often found her looking around her room with a puzzled look on her face, “What am I supposed to be dong?” she would ask. Very gently I replied, “Whatever you want to do, Mom. Whatever makes you happy.”
The last couple of months I’ve started to feel that way—like there’s something I’m supposed to be doing. Oh, I stay busy. It’s not that! My list of chores is long and growing. But often there is a nagging sense that “something important” is not getting done. Or worse, that I’m not doing it right, “it” being nothing less than Life itself. What if I’m getting Life all wrong?
With that question fresh in my awareness, I can hear my father’s stern words: “If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all!” I was probably rushing through the dishes and stacking dirty plates in the drainer. No doubt, he had a legitimate complaint. But something in my immature, developing psyche grabbed onto that commandment and generalized it. The original context has been lost, and the meaning has been distorted over the decades. It’s ended up more like: “If you can’t be perfect, quit! Better still, run and hide!” With thoughts like that lurking in the darkness it’s no wonder I sometimes hesitate, withdraw, and wrap myself in a blanket of uncertainty.
Recently I tried to find a new ending to my father’s decree. If you can’t do it right … what? Forgive and move on? Try again? Love myself anyway? None of the new endings packed much of a punch for me. It was my coach who encouraged me to take a closer look at the first part of that lingering rule: If you can’t do it right… .
“What is right?” she asked. “Who does the ‘right’ belong to? Who decides what’s best for you? Who is responsible for your happiness? Your satisfaction? Your fulfillment? Your peace? Your joy?”
Ummmm … that would be me!
The search for “right” just got a lot less daunting. No need to explore to the ends of the earth when “the answers are within.”
When I become still and go inside, the questions are clear:
Who or what am I blaming for my discontent?
What is my excuse for not feeling joy in this moment?
As I reclaim power over my own thoughts, words, and actions, I lift up my plea of uncertainty to the Universe: “Please show me! What am I supposed to be doing?”
From deep within my heart, I hear the gentle reply, “Whatever you want to do, my dear. Whatever feeds your soul. Whatever brings you joy.”
