A couple of weeks ago I received an email requesting artwork for a silent auction fundraiser for a local non-profit agency. The subject line began “Call to Artists ….”
My first reaction: “I am NOT an artist!” I deleted the email.
Within a few minutes, I searched my trash and undeleted the email so I could send it to some local artist friends. Afterward, I deleted it.
The next day, I was back rummaging through my trash. Clearly I was disturbed by this email! I began thinking, “Maybe … just MAYBE … I’ll contribute something.”
And then: “Oh, no! I can’t.” I decidedly punched DELETE.
At my art lesson, I told my teacher about the email, emphatic about my decision not to participate.
“Why not?” she asked. “You could do something. You’re ready.”
“Oh, no!” I blurted. “I’m not an artist! I can’t paint on command. I’m just playing around. I’m just learning. I haven’t a clue what I’m doing!”
I was so adamant, so sure. My heels were dug in, and I wasn’t moving!
My art teacher (who is also a talented art therapist) gently encouraged me to look a little deeper at what was going on. Before my lesson-turned-session was over, I began recognizing the extent of my resistance.
For the next 24 hours I was deep in process, but I couldn’t quite figure out the emotions of it all.
Then I watched Session 1 of an online webinar: “The Power of Vulnerability,” by Brené Brown.
As Brené talked about people trying their hardest to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked, I began to understand. She said that when we try our hardest and then fail to be accepted, the result is shame. We think, “I did everything I knew how to do! There must be something wrong with me!”
I realized there was some part of me that needed to try her hardest to create a painting that people would like. Deep inside I knew that if no one bought it, I would probably never allow myself to paint again. I had tapped into something that shamed me when I was six years old (and I didn’t paint again for 50 years!)
When I saw it, I was free to make an enlightened, self-honoring choice.
Over the next several days, I created a painting that I liked. I matted it. I framed it. I’m going to donate it. If no one bids on it, it doesn’t matter because the painting is authentically ME. I created it to please ME. I had fun doing it, and I like it. That’s all that matters.
And the idea of calling myself an artist is actually growing on me. I think I’m ready to try on “Beginner Artist.” After all, I obviously have the “temperamental” part down pat!
Soooo beautiful!! I love it!
Marvelous!! Auntie B, anyone who creates is an artist.
Xoxo
You would know, Little Bug! You have been swimming in it your entire life. Thanks for your support.
I love that you “went there”. As I was reading this, I had never really considered that it was shame that held me back from venturing out on to that unfamiliar limb, which really struck a chord with me. I have been wondering about what has stood in the way of putting myself “out there” and stopped at the conclusion that if I never try … then I cannot fail. When I can look it again after reading this, I feel like I may be able to take a look again through the lens of compassion …. Actually loving compassion and begin to loosen the arms of the straight jacket I been wearing. Thanks Barbie –
Wendy – I read Brené Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection” last year, and it solidified all the work I’ve done with The Ford Institute. Brené’s work is “shadow work,” too, but she uses different terminology … and there is compassion, connection, and courage sprinkled throughout. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the way it supplements the coaching training.
I love that piece of work, its an image for all seasons and all states of being, I can’t imagine anyone not being switched on by and into its power, very big thank you for sharing sincere regards, Barry
Woo hoo! My twin cousin is an artist, being featured in Charleston’s ArtWalk! I may just try to come and bid on it!
Now THAT would be the best outcome imaginable! I’ll get the guest room ready.
You inspire me! I love this painting, The Gifts of Imperfection is my new bible — thanks to you — I am loving Brene Brown’s seminar — thanks for telling me about that! — and keep writing too Barbie. YOU are an ARTIST!
Barbie, more than an artist, you are a creative! You not only create beautiful, soulful art, but you also help people create beautiful, soulful lives. You’ve inspired me by creating your own cottage, fulfilling vocation and life. Barbie Dallman… life coach, business owner, cottage builder, ARTIST and creative force!!
Barbie,Fantastic, love the painting.
This reminds me what Jeff Goins talks about on his blog about writing and how he struggeld with this untill somebody told him, Jeff you are a writer you just have to start writing.
You are painting…. such beautiful artist,so the question comes to mind, what defines being an artist for you?
Such a great question, Rose! You should be a coach 🙂
My husband and I were talking about this, and I realized a HUGE flaw in my thinking. I said to him, “Artists know what they want to create and then just create it. They know what they’re doing! I make all sorts of mistakes. Most of my work is just fixing mistakes!”
He said to me, “When you write, you never know where it’s going to end up … and you call yourself a writer. How is this different?”
Aha! That was it! A flawed definition.
Thanks for asking the question, Rose!