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Posts Tagged ‘spiritual growth’

Barefoot on the road to acceptance

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , on January 24, 2013| 3 Comments »

Colorful watercolor

Mountain Morning (watercolor by Barbie Dallmann, July 2012)

Monday night my husband received test results indicating the cancer is back. Since then I’ve been numb. I know intellectually, but I can’t feel it. Actually, I can’t feel anything. I haven’t been journaling. What is there to write about when I’m unwilling to feel anything?

This morning I tried to go into my heart and find a feeling. The first thing that popped out was anger. I allowed it to percolate for a bit, just to feel something, but it seems like such a waste of time and energy to rant, blame, and bolster myself with righteous indignation. (Don’t get me wrong . . . I’m extremely good at all those things!) But today I have a deep desire to avoid that side trip and look for the road to acceptance.

Acceptance about the truth of the test results and what they mean.

Acceptance about the difficult decisions that will have to be made in the near future.

Acceptance about the costs: time, money, energy . . . peace, contentment, security. (I wish I were enlightened enough that those last three things weren’t on my list, but if I’m looking for truth, I need to look at that, too.)

So the biggest thing I need to accept is my own vulnerability, my own weakness, my own fear.

Oh my, yes. That’s it. Here come the tears. There she is, the part of me who is running from acceptance, the part who wants to hide from the truth. She’ll stay busy! She’ll watch movies! She’ll go out with friends! She’ll even do the dishes when it’s not her turn!

I didn’t go to the cottage yesterday because I didn’t have time. Really? I can still delude myself with that old excuse?

I know my patterns. I will research a lot, consult a lot, talk, read, analyze, and study. I will prepare myself to be strong and to fight for as long as it takes. “Never give up!” that’s my motto! That’s also how I disguise my fear. I wrap it in the persona of the Courageous Warrior.

I am grateful for that part of me. She is tireless and effective. But today I also want to acknowledge and accept the weak, hiding part of me. She is tiny and so very frightened. She could easily be missed. But without her, my range of emotions narrows to anger, stoicism, detachment. She is the one who holds the keys to compassion, creativity, possibility, and trust.

And so I recommit to my intention for 2013, uneasy but willing to explore a new way of being in the world: accepting.

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Father’s Day

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on June 19, 2011| 5 Comments »

I’ve been thinking about my dad today. It’s my seventh Father’s Day without him. I was so grief-stricken the year he died, I begged my husband to let me skip the June remembrance that first year. Now I remember mostly the good times, the jokes, the fun. He was a good father and a remarkable man in so many ways.

Today, though, I found myself remembering the last five years of his life. They were not so good, not much fun at all. He often complained and sometimes ranted to me on the phone about this or that injustice. He blamed me for my son’s difficulties in school. He criticized me as a daughter, a wife, a person. Communication became so unpleasant, I dreaded his calls.

When we visited for his birthday in 2004, I spent most of the trip with my nose buried in a book, not wanting to engage in conversation because I knew it would be neither meaningful nor pleasant. When he passed away a few months later, I knew he had been ready to die. He was so tired of dealing with his failing health and he seemed so disappointed by everyone and everything. It hurts to remember how helpless and inadequate I felt those last several years of his life.

So now when I remember Dad, I just skip over that time and instead focus on the wonderful person he was before. Today I find myself wondering who I will be at the end of my life. One thing is certain: I don’t want to be a resentful lump of disappointment. I want to be filled with contentment and awe. I want to look back on my journey with satisfaction, compassion, and amusement.

As a spiritual being having a human experience, I want to consistently see beyond the limitations of the physical world to a bigger picture where everything is working just like it’s supposed to, where I can rest in the certainty that all is well.

How can I be sure that my last years won’t mimic my father’s? I believe the thoughts, habits, and actions I focus on now are the key to my future. Next year. Five years from now. And all the way to the end.

Our thoughts today determine our reality tomorrow. We become what we think about most. I think I’ll have a large serving of happiness, please, with a double scoop of gratitude on the side. I love you, Dad!

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Giving it up for Lent

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on March 9, 2011| 2 Comments »

I’ve been thinking for a while now about giving up something for Lent. As a child, I usually gave up candy. As I got older, I started doing something for Lent. Meditation. Spiritual readings. Daily entries in a Gratitude Journal.

This year I’m reverting to the early years and giving up something. It’s something dear to my heart, one of my Ego’s Favorite Things.

Advice Giving.

It comes in many guises. Sometimes it’s cloaked in concern; other times it shows up as mere opinion. Usually, I’m just trying to help. Most of the advice I administer is unsolicited. Occasionally I am polite enough to ask, “May I offer some advice?” But few refuse; I know that. I understand this sort of thing will have to go. I’m giving it all up for the next 6 weeks.

Why? Just to stretch myself, to observe what happens when I take off my know-it-all hat and keep my mouth shut.

Oh, wait! My Ego has a question: “What about when someone comes and legitimately asks for my advice? As in ‘Would you give me some advice?’”

Ego truly loves it when that happens. Why, just last night my son said, “I’m looking for some advice, Mom.” And he was looking to me! Yes, that’s my favorite: Motherly Advice.

But this is serious business: Lent and Spiritual Growth. So, Ego, here’s my decision: We’re giving up giving advice in our personal life. However, there are those who pay us to advise them, and we shall continue to do so professionally.

Am I prepared for this challenge? I’m not so sure. When I told my husband, he laughed uproariously.

As for you, my friends, family, and colleagues: no fair taunting me with, “A penny for your thoughts!” (My advice is worth at least a dime!)

I’ve been thinking for a while now about giving up something for Lent. As a child, I usually gave up candy. As I got older, I started doing something for Lent. Meditation. Spiritual readings. Daily entries in a Gratitude Journal.
This year I’m reverting to the early years and giving up something. It’s something dear to my heart, one of my Ego’s Favorite Things.
Advice Giving.
It comes in many guises. Sometimes it’s cloaked in concern; other times it shows up as mere opinion. Usually, I’m just trying to help. Most of the advice I administer is unsolicited. Occasionally I am polite enough to ask, “May I offer some advice?” But few refuse; I know that. I understand this sort of thing will have to go. I’m giving it all up for the next 6 weeks.
Why? Just to stretch myself, to observe what happens when I take off my know-it-all hat and keep my mouth shut.
Oh, wait! My Ego has a question: “What about when someone comes and legitimately asks for my advice? As in ‘Would you give me some advice?’”
Ego truly loves it when that happens. Why, just last night my son said, “I’m looking for some advice, Mom.” And he was looking to me! Yes, that’s my favorite: Motherly Advice.
Lent and Spiritual Growth are serious business. So, Ego, here’s my decision: We’re giving up giving advice in all aspects of personal life. However, there are those who pay me to advise them, and I shall continue to do so professionally.
Am I prepared for this challenge? We’ll see. I admit, it will be quite a challenge. So, no fair taunting me with: “A penny for your thoughts!” (My advice is worth at least a dime!)

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