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Posts Tagged ‘transformation’

Barefoot on the road to acceptance

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , on January 24, 2013| 3 Comments »

Colorful watercolor

Mountain Morning (watercolor by Barbie Dallmann, July 2012)

Monday night my husband received test results indicating the cancer is back. Since then I’ve been numb. I know intellectually, but I can’t feel it. Actually, I can’t feel anything. I haven’t been journaling. What is there to write about when I’m unwilling to feel anything?

This morning I tried to go into my heart and find a feeling. The first thing that popped out was anger. I allowed it to percolate for a bit, just to feel something, but it seems like such a waste of time and energy to rant, blame, and bolster myself with righteous indignation. (Don’t get me wrong . . . I’m extremely good at all those things!) But today I have a deep desire to avoid that side trip and look for the road to acceptance.

Acceptance about the truth of the test results and what they mean.

Acceptance about the difficult decisions that will have to be made in the near future.

Acceptance about the costs: time, money, energy . . . peace, contentment, security. (I wish I were enlightened enough that those last three things weren’t on my list, but if I’m looking for truth, I need to look at that, too.)

So the biggest thing I need to accept is my own vulnerability, my own weakness, my own fear.

Oh my, yes. That’s it. Here come the tears. There she is, the part of me who is running from acceptance, the part who wants to hide from the truth. She’ll stay busy! She’ll watch movies! She’ll go out with friends! She’ll even do the dishes when it’s not her turn!

I didn’t go to the cottage yesterday because I didn’t have time. Really? I can still delude myself with that old excuse?

I know my patterns. I will research a lot, consult a lot, talk, read, analyze, and study. I will prepare myself to be strong and to fight for as long as it takes. “Never give up!” that’s my motto! That’s also how I disguise my fear. I wrap it in the persona of the Courageous Warrior.

I am grateful for that part of me. She is tireless and effective. But today I also want to acknowledge and accept the weak, hiding part of me. She is tiny and so very frightened. She could easily be missed. But without her, my range of emotions narrows to anger, stoicism, detachment. She is the one who holds the keys to compassion, creativity, possibility, and trust.

And so I recommit to my intention for 2013, uneasy but willing to explore a new way of being in the world: accepting.

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My Outer World

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Spider Web

This is an old picture. I took it in my back yard on September 11, 2001, at 8:47 a.m. eastern time

[Note: During my coach training program, I embraced the teaching that “My Outer World is a Reflection of My Inner World.” Today I thought I’d share a glimpse of my outer world.]

Late to the cottage today, I’m greeted by sunshine splashing on a muddy floor. In the darkness of early winter mornings, I never notice the bits of dirt that so easily blend with the color of the cottage floor.

The sun has me on my knees . . . wet rag in hand, scrubbing the floor. My morning meditation becomes an appreciation for the many imperfections hidden by the shadows of winter.

But on this amazing sunny morning, the spider webs glisten in the shifting light, and I notice, too, the shells of dead bugs scattered beneath them, like so many empty candy wrappers carelessly discarded.

How is it that cleaning a floor can bring such joy here in the woods? In this moment, everything just feels so “right,” so “part of the natural flow.” Winter brings the spiders indoors, where we cohabit peacefully until spring. I have no urge to evict them now. And so, like the unnamed janitor, I dutifully clean up the remnants of snacks and wipe away the sagging, abandoned webs.

When spring arrives, I’ll clean in earnest. For now, I do a little, knowing that all the dust and dirt will disappear in the shadows of the many winter mornings yet to come.

[Now for the twist: Whatever you think you just learned about my inner world, isn’t about me at all … it’s about YOUR inner world. Enjoy the insights!]

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Letting My Soul Choose

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2013| 2 Comments »

Handwritten "Acceptance"

A simple reminder

On January 1, I chose my year’s intention: Acceptance. It came to me during meditation and wasn’t what my ego had planned at all (I wanted appreciation!)

It’s no wonder my ego was squirming. When I set an intention, things tend to happen. And this past week I’ve felt like a high school freshman sitting in on a master’s level class. Oh, I have so much to learn!!

I immediately became keenly aware of my addiction to resistance. I want to be accepting. I say I want to be “in flow.” But what I see is myself consistently choosing to resist what is: “My internet service should not have been out for 4 days” … “Client emergencies should not clump together in a single week (particularly during a week without internet service!)” … “The dog should not be barking at 3 a.m.” … “I should be over this cough by now; two weeks is enough!”

Oh, I could go on, but I want to stop. Oh, how I want to stop!

Meditating Frog

My Guru

The next morning on my way to a doctor’s appointment, I observed myself thinking what bad timing it was during such a busy week. And then I asked myself, “What would it be like to be in acceptance?” I took a moment after I parked the car to center myself with a little deep breathing. I allowed myself to become totally present. Then I began my two block walk to the doctor’s office.

It was such an amazing experience. I felt like I was seeing my city for the first time. I connected with people on the street. And I heard birds singing! Birds singing in January when it was 33° outside!  It felt like a shot of pure joy. I was happy, excited, eager to share my smile with others. And the day continued to flow so much more easily.

This morning in the cottage I was reflecting on my soul’s choice for my 2013 intention. My soul knew what I needed most to get to a place of appreciation.

First Comes Acceptance!

It’s going to be an interesting year.

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Traveling Through Time

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , on November 20, 2012| 6 Comments »

Book Cover - The Return of the Indian The concept of time travel has always fascinated me. I’m not sure, but I think it started some time in grade school, probably from watching The Twilight Zone. One of the first short stories I ever wrote had a time travel twist.  Now, I go to time travel movies; I read time travel books; I watch time travel television shows. Currently I’m reading The Return of the Indian to a fourth grade classroom (I volunteer for Read Aloud West Virginia) and I just last night watched the first two episodes of season four of Quantum Leap. (Thanks to my generous neighbor Ann who owns the complete DVD collection of that show. Yum!)
Quantum Leap - Season Four Cover

Several years ago I was visiting my hometown while reading The Time Traveler’s Wife. There are several scenes in that book where the time traveler interacts with himself at various ages. Being in Lincoln in the neighborhood where I grew up got me to thinking, what if I went for a walk and bumped into my 15-year old self … what would I say to her?

Would I warn her to not get married at 19? Would I tell her to buy stock in Microsoft? Would I beg her to finish college? It seemed like there were so many things I could let her in on that would ultimately result in my life being … being what? Less marred with error? Richer? Happier? Better?
Book Cover - The Time Traveler's Wife

But maybe not. Maybe it would just be different. Maybe not better at all!

There were important lessons I learned from all the choices I made–good and bad. They were lessons I could never learn any way but by living my life. No one could tell me those things, not even my older self! I wouldn’t have believed me, anyway. I know me. I’m skeptical, wary, and slow to trust a stranger, even one who looks just like … uh … my mother and my father blended and then aged. Hmmmm. I’m pretty sure I would have quizzed such a being long and hard before listening.

But if I had somehow convinced her, what would I have said? The best I could come up with was to simply tell her that she was smarter, stronger, and more courageous than she realized. I suppose my 99-year-old self would be telling me that now, too!

So, what would you tell your teenage self if you met her on the street?

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