Yesterday I began an e-course with Brené Brown, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” and the first reading shined a light into a dark corner of my life. When I was a kid, I suffered horribly from homesickness. I rarely made it through a neighborhood sleepover. As my friends fell asleep, I would grow increasingly nauseated until I’d scoop up my pillow, sprint across two or three back yards, and burst through my own front door, breathless but safe. I would crawl shamefully into my bed and fall sleep without ever waking my parents.
As I grew older and my friends lived blocks away instead of one or two doors down, I usually gutted it out. But as the nausea set in, I would cease having fun and go to bed early. After they thought I was asleep, my friends discussed what was wrong with me.
Memories of visits to Grandma’s house include the coffee can by my bed for when I got sick in the night. I never went to overnight camps nor on vacation with my friends. In high school I passed up a French Club trip to Paris and worried constantly about going away to college. I was apprehensive about marriage, sure that I wouldn’t survive that first night away from home without throwing up.
I never did go away to college. I somehow averted disaster by redefining “home” when I got married. I continued to suffer from “travel anxiety” (my grown up term for homesickness) well into my 40s and still experience significant twinges of discomfort the week before any travel that involves an overnight stay.
As an adult, I’ve done a good job of overcoming the problem, but this morning I realized I still have the lingering belief that “there’s something wrong with me.” I still find myself feeling the shame of the 10-year-old who pretended to be asleep as her playmates attempted to diagnose her malady.
As my “Year of Acceptance” moves into its final quarter, I find myself wondering if I can develop some understanding and compassion for my Homesick Self. I think I may be ready to release half a century of judgment, disgust, and impatience. Instead of berating the trait, I wonder if I can find The Gift in this particular Imperfection.
I’ll be carrying that intention with me during the next six weeks as I work my way through Brené Brown’s e-course.
As of September 2017, this class is still available through the link below. It was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken online! The cost is $69.99. Click this link for more information: http://www.oprah.com/brenebrown
Coach Barbie Dallmann 
Hi Barbie! I am enrolled too!! I am ready to transform and paint with water colors too, even though I can not even draw a stick figure…… Love, Kim
Kim, Who wants to draw a stick figure anyway! Three years ago I hadn’t picked up a paintbrush since I was 6, and I didn’t even know there were “secondary colors” … let alone tertiary! Beginning to paint opened a whole new world to me! Hope you experience the same joy I did (once I worked my way through the need to “do it right,” that is!) I started a private Facebook Page for people I know who are taking the class. I’ll add you to the group if you’d like a more intimate setting in which to share your journey.
Great post Barbie, I was just thinking today whats wrong with me? Thanks for the reminder.
I had the same experiences about homesickness Barbie. I had a terrible time but I did not get actually sick just nervous and insecure. I thought I was the only one who worried about leaving home to get married. I had to move to another town ….. I still get worried about some travel but as soon and I get into it I am Ok. My direction dyslexia is one problem but that is another story…The main thing we both do try and welcome new experiences.
Joan
Gosh! We’ve known each other for almost three decades and didn’t know we shared the marriage fear in common. I guess we both wanted to keep it quiet, thinking we were the only ones. Brene’s work has taught me that when we share our vulnerability, our connections become stronger. I’ve certainly found that true! Love you, Joan.
Wow, and what a confident traveler you’ve become! I know what my cold, dark, anxiety-ridden homesickness was about, being the youngest of three and sure no one would miss me, or worse, they WANTED to get rid of me. [they did, after all, leave me alone, without my big brother and sister, a tiny, barely verbal toddler with my grandparents, who were total strangers and spoke mostly Italian… certainly I was abandoned forever and a weekend and would be again!] I look forward to hearing what you discover on your journey inside with Brene. Her work is so healing.
Cate – It never ceases to amaze me that when I think “I’m the only one,” and share from my heart about my experiences, that other people share from their hearts about theirs. I end up feeling so connected, and my feelings of isolation evaporate. That was what I learned from Brene last year … and it certainly has played out. Love you, Cate!
Hi BARBIE maybe the letting go part after 50 years is contagious . I’m on the same path too and think also with these eclipses it is divinely time. Barrie