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Posts Tagged ‘coaching’

I Overslept!

Barbie with sun shining on her face

Morning Moments

Oh! I slept too late!

Now, as I write this, the sun is shining very brightly and directly into my eyes. It is moving upward very quickly, though. In fact, already it is shining on my forehead more than in my eyes.

I tilt my head back and close my eyes in order to take in the full sensation: The sun being absorbed through my eyelids and skin, breathed into my lungs, bonded with my blood and circulated throughout the whole of me.

I adore being bathed in this radiance. I feel as though I am becoming shiny new and utterly amazing!

I am in the spotlight! All eyes are on me. What is she going to do???? What is she going to do!?!

Slowly she drinks her coffee and pretends she has nothing better to do.

But I’m not pretending . . . .

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Handwritten entry from journal on 10-22-09

These past three years have gone by quickly. Sometimes I still go into Mom’s old room to share a bit of news. “Hey, Mama, guess who just called to say hi?” Of course, I don’t expect a response. The room has been quiet for a long time now. The nebulizer and oxygen machine are long gone. The television, too.  But the bed, table, and chairs remain. It was her room for the last four and a half years of her life. I brought her breakfast, lunch, and dinner to that room. I sat with her there and watched bits of TV shows, chatted, and read to her. I painted her toenails, administered her medicine, and checked her blood pressure. Even as I did my best to hold on tightly, I watched her slip away, slowly, slowly, slowly.

This morning I had a conversation with her ashes, as if they were a conduit to the afterlife. I told her how much I miss her and how much I love her. I closed my eyes and remembered what it felt like to be hugged by her. I remembered the way her startlingly blue eyes sparkled every time she smiled at me. I could count on that smile as I set her breakfast tray on the table. “Oh, my!” she would say, “That’s beautiful! But how will I ever eat it all?” But she always did; her appetite was good in the mornings, and so I made sure breakfast was the best meal of the day.

I have honored her last wish to, “just stay close to my little kid,” by creating a special place for her ashes at the cottage. She always called me her angel, but she’s my angel now. My heart hurts  today as I remember the pain of letting her go. I am simultaneously sad and joyful. My life is full, and I am so very grateful for having been raised by a mother like her: optimistic, funny, compassionate, and loving. I am grateful, too, for the opportunity to have been there when she needed me and for the grace to lovingly release her when the time came.

Rest in peace, Mama, and know you will live in my heart forever.

Mom's ashes on a shelf in the cottage

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We just got back from walking our legs off in Washington, DC, and I find myself longing for just one quiet, relaxing day by the ocean. Alas, I’m back to work with no beach trip in sight, so, instead of posting pictures from our nation’s capital, I’m going to share a few of my most treasured beach souvenirs.

Pickle jar filled with ocean water and sand

I was 22 when I saw the ocean for the first time. I was so excited that I promptly filled a pickle jar with water and sand as a souvenir. The jar now sits on a shelf in my laundry room next to a jar of water from Lake Michigan, circa 1967, and another from Lake Erie, circa 1977. It’s the strangest, smallest collection I own.

Glass jar filled with seashells, coral, and black sand

We went to Hawaii in 1993. I was awestruck by a black sand beach on Maui. I scooped up the sand and put it in a glass ball along with a piece of coral and a few shells. I love the way the black sand looks like dirt!

Beach shells holding paper clips

I found this shell on a beach in South Carolina. It has served as a paperclip holder for about 20 years.

Large white seashell

In 1990, as I left for a business trip to Florida, my five-year-old son asked me to bring him back a “big shell.” When I talked to him on the phone that evening, he asked if I had found the shell. I said, “No, I just got here, and I haven’t had time to go to the store.” He said, “Not the store! You just walk out by the ocean and pick it up!” I tried to explain that “big shells” are not that easy to come by, but he insisted. “Mama, you get up early tomorrow morning and go out on the beach. You’ll find a big shell. Bring it to me.” I said I would look. I got up early the next morning never thinking for a moment that I would be successful. But there it was, just as he said, waiting for me to pick it up. It’s the biggest, prettiest shell I’ve ever found on a beach. I wonder how he knew it would be there.

Bleached Sun Dollar

In 1989 I was in Florida and obsessed with the idea of finding a sand dollar. A local told me to dig with my toes around the sand bar, and sure enough, I found one. I was so excited until I realized it was alive! I hesitated for only a moment. I didn’t care. I had found my trophy, and I took it to my hotel room. The next morning, I was overcome with guilt. I had killed a beautiful creature just so I could display it. What kind of person does a thing like that? I cried and seriously considered throwing it away because I was so ashamed of myself for killing it. But then I thought doing so would be doubly shameful. So I brought it home, bleached it, and gave it a place of honor in my office. It’s still there, and when I look at it, I sometimes still feel a little ashamed and a little sad. It is the one and only “trophy kill” I own.

Photo of girl at beach displayed in a beach chair frame

Finally, here is a picture I took at Hilton Head Island in 2003. I found the beach chair frame in a souvenir shop, and I thought it was the perfect frame for the perfect picture. It makes me laugh to look at it, though, because it looks like the picture just came with the frame!

There … wasn’t that more fun than the Washington Monument?

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About three years ago I was having lunch with an artist friend who was interested in my coaching services. She suggested bartering for art lessons.

Now, if that lunch had taken place a week earlier, I would have turned her down without a second thought. But during that particular week I was challenging myself to take on whatever uncomfortable challenges came my way. My week’s motto was: “Just Do It!” After all, it was just a seven-day challenge. It wasn’t a New Year’s Resolution or anything!

And so, even though I had long ago decided I couldn’t draw … I had no artistic ability whatsoever … and I couldn’t have cared less about learning to paint—I Just Did It! I said YES!

It was a slow, bumpy start. My first experience was in a class of 11-year-old girls who were “drawing with chalk.” One of them gently corrected me, “They are pastels, not chalk.” Oh! Silly me!

Later, my one-on-one lessons took me to the depths of my incompetence. I hadn’t learned anything much beyond the three primary colors (red-blue-yellow). Who knew there were secondary colors?!? And all those brushes and different brands of paint, paper, and canvases. I was overwhelmed.

Some lessons ended in tears. Often I was frustrated by what I didn’t know and couldn’t seem to learn. Nothing ever ended up looking like I intended. I tried wood block, water-color, pastels, acrylics, and oil.

Last year I had a major breakdown / breakthrough when I finally gave up my need to “do it right.” I decided to just let my 6-year-old self play with paint, and I’ve been having so much fun ever since!

Now I see how living life and learning to paint have a lot in common. The painting that appears with this post was one I made a real mess of initially. I was going to throw it away, but then I decided to just work with it for a while longer. After about a dozen sessions, I knew it was finished because when I stepped back and looked at it, I smiled. It was a smile of inner satisfaction, appreciation, and joy. Life can be like that, too. Just showing up, day after day, having fun trying a bit of this and a bit of that, until at last you feel the smile of satisfaction, appreciation, and joy.

My attitude toward life has changed forever because I took myself up on that 7-day challenge. [SMILE!!]

Experimenting With Life

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